Godly Relationships and Purity | Christian Dating
For this week’s BlogThursday post, we will be going through the second part of the “Godly Relationships and Purity” series, that is, Christian Dating. We will discuss what biblical courtship looks like, tips on how to identify what we want in our future spouse, some signs that a person could be the one for you, and how we can stay pure in Christian dating.
How To Biblically Date As A Christian
In this day and age, people date to become someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend and satisfy one’s fleshly desires, but as Christians, we must date with the intention of marrying - this is courtship. If we are not dating to marry then we are dating to get heartbroken. You might be thinking “What would courtship look like biblically?”. The Bible doesn’t really speak about the topic of courtship plainly, but we will do some biblical analysis on the subject.
First things first, when choosing a spouse, we must make sure we are looking for a believer - this is a non-negotiable. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reads, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”. If we decide to date an unbeliever in the hope of converting them, the outcome will only be time-wasting and feeling drained out sooner or later. It is God’s job to change someone, not ours. God wants to bless you with someone whose values and beliefs are the same as yours so that the two of you can be united.
Proverbs 18:22 reads, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.” The verse says “He who finds a wife” not “She who finds a husband”, implying that biblically speaking the man’s role is to find his wife and make the first move to pursue her. Now if the man’s role is to “find his wife”, then single women need to make sure they look like a wife to be found. It doesn’t say “He who finds a girlfriend who will be a wife”, so single women must have the ability to be a wife before they are a wife. Before she gets into a relationship, a woman must be focused on the kingdom of God and her own personal growth, not necessarily with the intention of attracting a man to her but with the intention of pleasing God. With that, she will naturally attract the right man of God to her, and any man who would want to pursue her must have to be pursuing God first. Once we focus our eyes solely on the Lord, the rest will follow through (Matthew 6:33). If we take a look at examples of women in the Bible, Esther used her beauty to gain favour from the king to save the Jews, and Ruth used her characteristics of loyalty, kindness, servitude and humility to attract Boaz to her. So as we see from these examples, being “attractive” doesn’t just mean our physical appearance, but most importantly what is on the inside of us. As I previously mentioned that a man’s role is to make the first move to pursue the woman, in Ephesians chapter 5, Paul compares the man in a relationship to Christ and the woman in a relationship to the church. It was Christ who first pursued the church and not the other way round, so it is biblical for the man to pursue the woman first in the dating stage.
What Do I Look For When Choosing A Future Spouse?
As we already discussed we are dating to marry, which means the dating stage is very important to get to know each other as well as possible before you make a life-long commitment to be with this person. Before you even start dating, it’s good to write down a list of qualities you would like your future spouse to have. Write down the characteristics, values
and beliefs you would like your future spouse to have, and also write down the characteristics, values and beliefs you would not like your future spouse to have. When writing down these qualities, think more about the long-term aspects of the relationship rather than the short-term. This list doesn’t have to be long, but make it quite specific and personal to you, and then pray! Some of us can shy away from talking to God about our love life because we may feel like we’re not ready to get married. But if we think about it, we are actually supposed to speak to God about what we want in a spouse before we are ready to have a spouse, right? John 15:7 reads, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you” - God already sees the desires you want in your spouse, all you have to do is ask Him for it. Bring this list before God, and ask Him to give you a spouse with such qualities as long as He approves of those qualities. Always remember what God wants for you exceeds what you want for yourself. Although it’s great to write a list of things you want in a spouse, understand that there will never be a perfect spouse. So if you come across someone who you really like and can see them as a potential spouse but they miss a couple of your boxes, analyse if those boxes are deal breakers for you, and if they aren’t, then there’s no harm in getting to know that person more.
How To Know If They Are The One
Here are just a few signs that a person could be the one God wants you to marry in the future:
They tick, if not all, a lot of the boxes from your list
You feel a sense of peace about the relationship
God has given you confirmation (God is the God of confirmation, do not forget to ask Him for confirmation)
How To Stay Pure In Christian Dating
For you to stay pure in Christian dating you have to set boundaries between you and your significant other. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" - this should ignite in us a conviction to make sure we are not placing ourselves in a position that could make either one of us in the relationship sin. Boundaries can look different to each couple and we must always ask the Holy Spirit to give each of us convictions on what our boundaries should look like when in courtship. The temptations within courtship can be very difficult to resist which is why it is very crucial to set physical boundaries in place. However, think of it like this... before you get married, you and the person that you show interest are not under a marital covenant, so that is still your brother or sister in Christ; so you must treat them like a brother or sister and get to know them as a friend, not as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. The reason I say this is because if your mind has categorised them as your boyfriend or your girlfriend then the chances could be very likely that you could conform to the worldly ways of dating and fall into sexual sin with them. But if your mind views them solely as a friend who could potentially be your husband or wife, you will be less likely to think that you can do things with them that you know you shouldn't be doing.
Also, it’s important to make sure we do not place our significant other above God. Our hearts can deceive us at times (Jeremiah 17:9), and we can sometimes have our minds so fixed on a person so much so that we forget to spend time in the Bible or we forget to pray. As I previously mentioned, when we are in courtship, we are not under marital covenant, meaning if we are so fixated romantically on a person that it is stopping us from doing our basic prayer routines, God is going to be very jealous. We must make sure the fire never dies down in our relationship with God while also keeping a healthy relationship when courting someone.
Prayer
Father God, I bring every quality that I desire to have in my future spouse before You, and I ask that You would give me my desires as long as they are according to Your will. When the time comes, please help me to resist all temptations to sin when in courtship. I pray that I would never place any relationship above the one I have with You. I pray that You would confirm to me who my future spouse is in Your timing. May all my relationships bring glory to You.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.